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I don’t get too personal here very often, but I haven’t been posting regularly, so I’d like to share the reason behind my absence. I shared last week that a family member was going through some medical issues. I am so sad to say that my very dear cousin, who was more like a brother to me, passed away last week after complications from a routine surgery.
He was 30 years old and since we grew up living across the street from each other as children and then in the same home in high school, I definitely considered him more of a brother. We referred to each other as siblings and even had it listed on Facebook (if it’s on Facebook, you know it’s official). The loss of my dear sweet Ryan is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Nothing even comes close to the heartbreak I feel right now.
I’ve been spending the last few weeks in Alabama with my family and while I am so glad we are all able to be together, it’s so hard to see everyone so devastated. I would never want anyone to feel the pain I’m feeling right now, much less my family members. It has officially been a week since we lost him and the feeling of shock is still so strong. I feel like there’s literally a hole in my chest and I’ve experienced some pretty extreme anxiety for the first time in my life. I know nothing will ever be the same again, but I hope I’ll start to heal one day–even if it is just a little bit.
As happens with death, this traumatic event has prompted me to think about life. I’ve always known that family should always come first, but that feeling has been reinforced and I’ve taken a step back from every other aspect of my life in order to reevaluate, and that includes work. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t exactly felt up to taking pictures for style posts. My crying face isn’t the cutest.