Heartbroken
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I don’t get too personal here very often, but I haven’t been posting regularly, so I’d like to share the reason behind my absence. I shared last week that a family member was going through some medical issues. I am so sad to say that my very dear cousin, who was more like a brother to me, passed away last week after complications from a routine surgery.
He was 30 years old and since we grew up living across the street from each other as children and then in the same home in high school, I definitely considered him more of a brother. We referred to each other as siblings and even had it listed on Facebook (if it’s on Facebook, you know it’s official). The loss of my dear sweet Ryan is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Nothing even comes close to the heartbreak I feel right now.
I’ve been spending the last few weeks in Alabama with my family and while I am so glad we are all able to be together, it’s so hard to see everyone so devastated. I would never want anyone to feel the pain I’m feeling right now, much less my family members. It has officially been a week since we lost him and the feeling of shock is still so strong. I feel like there’s literally a hole in my chest and I’ve experienced some pretty extreme anxiety for the first time in my life. I know nothing will ever be the same again, but I hope I’ll start to heal one day–even if it is just a little bit.
As happens with death, this traumatic event has prompted me to think about life. I’ve always known that family should always come first, but that feeling has been reinforced and I’ve taken a step back from every other aspect of my life in order to reevaluate, and that includes work. Not to mention the fact that I haven’t exactly felt up to taking pictures for style posts. My crying face isn’t the cutest.
Red Reticule
July 3, 2015 @ 7:44 am
I am so sorry to read about your loss! You need to take time and be with family to allow yourself to heel.
Red Reticule
Lyn
July 3, 2015 @ 8:58 am
Dear Megan, I’m so sorry about your loss..
I’m already crying by reading this so what you and your family must feel is just pff heartbreaking.
I’m incredibly lucky I only have lost my great grandma yet but she was very old (92 I guess) so that’s completely different to someone dying so young..
I did lose 2 friends (one to cancer, one to an accident at work) and even though it’s been years, tears are still rolling over my face while writing this. What helped me was talking about memories and listening to “their” songs/songs they played at their funeral/cremation. It took me a while before I could listen to those songs and even longer to listen to them without crying. Maybe this can help you or someone of your family.. Everybody deals different with loss and that’s totally okay! Remember that how you grieve, it is okay!
Lots of strength to you and your family!
And make sure to take all the time you need, I’m sure everybody understands.
x Lyn
Shira
July 3, 2015 @ 9:39 am
I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. xx
Erica @ Coming Up Roses
July 3, 2015 @ 11:19 am
Sending SO many prayers and thoughts and love your way during this unbelievably hard time, Megan. It’s going to take time, and it’ll never really be better, but know that you have so much support behind you to help pull you up in those moments of darkness. Here for you always. <3
Coming Up Roses
Alecia Mariana
July 3, 2015 @ 12:43 pm
So so sorry for your loss!! Only time will heal your scars from this experience. I unfortunately lost my father my first semester of my freshman year of college. It was very unexpected as well. Just take every day as it comes. Sometimes you even have to take it hour by hour. It sounds like you have a support group in your family which is key. As time goes on you will never forget, and it will still be sad, but you’ll look back fondly at the memories you have and be happy you had each other in your life. If you ever need anything feel free to email me. I never would wish this kind of loss on anyone. Keep your chin up!
xx,
La Joie de Vivre
Ari
July 3, 2015 @ 12:52 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. Only time can heal the pain of losing someone close to your heart. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
Ari
Claudia
July 3, 2015 @ 12:54 pm
Megan, it’s so hard to read this knowing you must be going through a lot. You’re a strong person and with time things will get better. All the wonderful memories will carry you through. He’ll always be there watching over you. Sending you and your family lots of love and prayers. Miss you!
Amanda
July 3, 2015 @ 1:26 pm
Megan,
I am so sorry to learn of your loss and am sending many prayers your way. I encourage you to continue to cherish the best of memories with your brother and know that in time it will get easier to deal with the pain. Many blessings!
xo, Amanda
Kate
July 3, 2015 @ 2:07 pm
I am so so sorry for your loss, Megan. When I lost my mom I realized it is definitely important to put your family first but it is just as important to put yourself first. I did a lot of writing and exercising and that helped. I guess I would just say listen to your soul and allow yourself to cope for as long as you need without guilt, healing from any loss, and especially unexpected loss, is a slow process. You and your whole family are in my thoughts. -xx
Jasmine Watts
July 3, 2015 @ 3:36 pm
I’m so sorry to for your loss! You need to spend time with your family and I’m sure you will recover soon by this way.
Gina Elliott Santamaria
July 3, 2015 @ 5:40 pm
My dear sweet Megan,
This is indeed the saddest event you have had to deal with in your young life. Ryan was such a unique individual. The more I learned about the adult Ryan y ou knew, the more I loved him. I was also amazed at how the Elliotts came together and gave each other strength during this time. You, your brother and sister and your dad have really given your all to be there for your grandma and grampa. They are indeed blessed. I was impressed by your ability to take charge of the entire funeral process. It’s not easy to make arrangements, grieve, be strong for other family – and do it all with class, grace and beauty. You have an inner strength that I never knew until now. We will miss Ryan dearly and surely continue to retell stories about his cool, wise, saucy self forever. In his honor, let’s not take each other for granted; let’s take that vacay, eat that cupcake and drink that glass of wine. Make as many memories as you can WHILE you can!
I love you, baby <3
Mom
Tiffany Khyla
July 3, 2015 @ 6:52 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss, Megan. I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through right now. I’m definitely keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Elizabeth
July 3, 2015 @ 9:26 pm
I’m so very sorry for your loss! Praying for you & your family!
Shane
July 3, 2015 @ 9:39 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss, Megan. Let me know if you need even a listening ear <3
Kayla
July 3, 2015 @ 10:27 pm
Megan,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone is never easy. Always devastating. But I hope that despite the difficulties of this experience you’re going through, that you remember the good things in front of you. It seems like your cousin was a great person. Remember him for that. Keep those awesome memories of the two of you and cherish them. Laugh about them. Keep them in your heart. And know that he’s in a better place and that he’s looking down at you and he doesn’t want to see you in pain. Instead, he wants you to live your life full of so much happiness and joy. Life is so precious and beautiful, girl. And it’s way too short. So make sure you spend every second possible living it. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. Best of luck to you and if I can ever help in any way, you just let me know. xoxoxo, Kayla http://www.lostgenygirl.com
Jackie
July 4, 2015 @ 1:06 am
I am so sorry for your loss. Will keep you in my prayers.
Victoria
July 4, 2015 @ 3:04 am
Oh Megan I’m so sorry for your loss! It’s so hard. Wish I could give you a hug! Praying for you and your family.
Patti Quinlan
July 4, 2015 @ 10:43 am
Dear Megan,
I have lost a few very important family members in my long life. The saddest and worse losses are when someone is young because we can more easily accept when someone has lived there life and it’s time to let them go. Discovered it’s all about memories. When we have wonderful memories of the person we lost, well I’ve come to believe that is what life is about and it’s what gets us through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Patti
Emily
July 4, 2015 @ 4:45 pm
Megan, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart ached reading this post and I’m sorry you and your family have to go through this. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family for help, and I hope each day will get easier.
xoxo Emily
http://www.ditchtheheels.com
Suheiry
July 5, 2015 @ 1:35 pm
I’m sorry for your loss. I feel like anything I write will seem hollow, but I’ll write it anyway just in case it helps. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need it. Spend time with your family and friends, and let them comfort you. Give yourself permission to feel joy even amidst your sorrow. If you can bear it, take time to be alone and meditate. All these things will help in the process of healing. There will be times when the memories will be more painful than others. I will tell you that you might never “get over it,” but eventually you’ll “get around it.” I sincerely hope you find comfort and peace despite your pain. Take care.
Caroline @ In Due Time
July 5, 2015 @ 1:52 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. My 2 year old nephew passed away last year and it’s still the worst.thing.ever. It’s so so so so hard. Allow yourself to grieve. . . There is no right answer. Cry when you want. Laugh when you need.
I shared some sermons that really helped me after my nephew passed away (about grieving). Let me know if you want me to pass them on!
Heidi
July 5, 2015 @ 10:55 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss Megan! I hope you can take the time to heal among your family. Sending love your way.
Abigail
July 6, 2015 @ 9:35 am
Megan – I’ve been thinking about you and your family. Something that I learned after my husband died four years ago is that there are bereavement counselors who specialize in sudden and traumatic loss. Their help can be invaluable.
This is hard – be kind to yourself and rest as much as you can. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Danielle
July 6, 2015 @ 6:05 pm
Megan,
I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a giant hug & to be honest I would probably just cry with you. I lost my younger brother last year unexpectedly and crying is really all you can do at first. So just cry, cry a lot. and then talk, even if you don’t know what to say. See, I didn’t know what to say, but I knew what I needed to say to be strong – don’t do that- just talk from your heart, you will cry more, that’s okay too. There is nothing you can say that’s wrong, you will hurt, but I promise one day you won’t cry as much. The car alone – that’s still the worst, just a heads up. and that darn radio, it will prob seem like every.single.song. reminds you of your sweet Ryan. so maybe avoid the tunes for awhile. If I could give you one suggestion for healing & peace – WRITE TO RYAN. Tell him about your day or write to him like you were chatting him up on the phone. It seriously helps and I like to think my brother is up there in heaven reading each and every word. I even know most of the time exactly what he would be saying back to me. It’s sweet and yes, you will cry even more, but sometimes they are actually happy tears. Thats special.
I wrote a post after my brother passed away. Not sure if you want to read it, but maybe there is something in there that will mean something or help you heal.
http://stylecrushdiaries.blogspot.com/2014/08/pain-forgiveness-and-healing.html
Sending you oh so much love. Praying for healing and peace for you and your sweet family.
xoxo
Danielle
Jen K
July 7, 2015 @ 7:40 pm
Megan, it’s so clear how much you loved him. Whether he was a cousin, or brother, doesn’t matter…it’s the impact he made on your life. A couple of years ago, my husband and I each got news of the passing of a loved one in our respective families. It happened on the same day. It was crazy, and horrible. And we were grieving so much we actually grew apart for a little while, instead of drawing closer to each other for support. You are totally making the right decision in that you are choosing to spend this time with your family instead of things like work/blogging. You won’t regret that choice. Peace and love be with you!
My only advice is to allow yourself to grieve, and don’t feel ashamed or try to shove it aside in order to move on to other things. You’ll be ready when you’re ready. You’ll know.
Jen
http://www.lifeunrefined.com
Iris
July 11, 2015 @ 9:54 pm
I am very sorry for your loss. Lots of love goes out to you and yours. Take care.
G
July 15, 2015 @ 11:23 am
I’m so very sorry for your loss. xo
ALINA
July 15, 2015 @ 4:01 pm
So sorry for your loss Megan. Sending hugs and prayers your way. <3
xo, Alina
Kelly
July 20, 2015 @ 9:10 pm
I am so sorry for your loss, Megan. Losing someone that is close to us is never easy and I wish I had something eloquent to say that would ease the pain of your broken heart. I respect and admire you for sharing with us what you are going through and will say a special prayer for you and your family. Big hugs coming your way!!!
Suzanne
July 22, 2015 @ 10:15 am
I’m so sorry for your loss, Megan. I can’t imagine the pain. Sending you prayers and hugs from Chicago.
xo
Lauren
August 14, 2015 @ 2:28 pm
Praying for you sweet girl. <3
Lauren
http://www.thefashionistasdiary.com